So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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