Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
