can u get pink eye on your cock?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
