hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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