I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
