WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My feet surprised me
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
