tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dignity is for republicans.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
