my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
