I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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