I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
