She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize