When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
