You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
