He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
