Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
