I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
