i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
