hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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