why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
