....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
