I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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