God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
