I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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