the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
