I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
