So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize