Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So many bounce houses so little time
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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