well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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