You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize