I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
