Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
