no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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