exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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