I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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