I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
