i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
