so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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