I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
