listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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