and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
