I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize