He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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