Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she pinky promised me she was 18
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
