maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
do nipples grow back?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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