did you get engaged???
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
