I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
