I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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