Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize