So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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