I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you had me at cake vodka
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
