Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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