Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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