I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
