where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
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