Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
