he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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