Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
time to smoke my breakfast
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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