Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
